7 Ways to Put the Sizzle Back in S*x
Is s*x boring, routine? Have you lost your desire? Is the romance gone? Here’s how to get it back.
Has your s*x life become routine, boring, dull? Is your desire less than it used to be? Has the romance faded? Stop worrying. It happens to all couples in long term relationships.
“The honeymoon phase,” lasts up to two years. Biology has everything to do with that. When the relationship’s new and exciting, the “chemistry” is hot. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., biological anthropologist, describes three stages of falling in love:
1. Lust, the strong desire for s*x, is driven by Testosterone and Estrogen, the s*x hormones;
2. Attraction, feeling consumed with thoughts of your new partner, is fueled by Dopamine, Norepinephrine and Serotonin;
3. Attachment, the bond of long term commitment, is sustained by Oxytocin and Vasopressin.
In the stage of Lust, romance and desire roll along without any help. But once the newness wears off and the Attachment stage is entered, couples need to “do something” to stimulate the spark and create the sizzle. It won’t happen all by itself.
Spring is a great time to revitalize, recharge and re-ignite the chemistry of love.
Here are seven ways to create some sizzle in the bedroom (or outside the bedroom):
1) Make s*x a priority.
With our busy lives, many couples leave s*x for last; and then are too tired, or not in the mood. Avoidance of s*x just creates more avoidance. Lack of s*xual intimacy will lead to a significant disconnection in a relationship. We see this in our practice all the time. When people lose their er*tic feelings for their partner, they fall out of love. The longer it goes, the harder it is to get back. Schedule time for s*x.
2) Schedule er*tic outer-course time.
(Outer-course is everything but intercourse.) Explore each other’s bodies, give massages; tell your partner what feels er*tic, and where and how you like to be touched – soft, hard, fast, slow. Take a shower or a bath together and take turns washing each other. Use lotion.
3) Share your s*xual fantasies.
Be bold. Share something with your partner that you haven’t mentioned before. They may have something in mind that you’ve never heard about. Act the fantasies out. Meet at a hotel as if you were strangers. Stretch your imagination. Since Fifty Shades of Grey, we have heard all kinds of things. We’ll save that for another day.
4) Ask for what you want.
Often partners just don’t talk about their desires; or don’t give each other the information that would make their experience even more pleasurable; or are too shy and afraid of being judged. Speak up in a positive way. “I like it when you…” “It would drive me wild if you would…” “It feels great when you…”.
5) Do something different.
If your partner initiates most of the time, you initiate. Have s*x at a different time of the day. If you usually “do it” at night, try the morning or afternoon. Find a different place. Start anywhere but the bedroom. Repetition leads to the same patterns. Try new positions. Try Tantric s*x. Here’s a book we recommend: Tantric s*x for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day by Diana Daffner, CS, MA and Richard Daffner.
6) Create s*xual tension.
Whisper your fantasies to each other in a public place where you get excited but must wait. Tease or talk about what you will do to your partner when you get home.
7) Go to a s*x shop and buy toys.
If you’re embarrassed wear a hat and sunglasses, go on the “off” hours. Or just be brave. Remember, any one there came for the same reason as you. Bob and I went to a very large “adult toy store” in New Orleans and upon entering the sign said, “Don’t be embarrassed. It’s just s*x.”
If you or your partner are having difficulties with s*x, seek help. Whether it’s low desire, medications that interfere with s*x, hormones, pain, or fear of failure, there are experts specifically certified as “s*x therapists.” To find an AASECT Certified s*x Therapist go to their website.
If your partner is the one having problems be delicate. Don’t start the conversation in bed or after a problem has just occurred. That’s too vulnerable. Bring it up at a later date. Be supportive. s*x is a team activity.
What will you do to put the sizzle back in your relationship?